I think my family has a secret preference for stale chips. They don’t know they do, but subconsciously they must crave something that is everything a fresh chip or pretzel or snack is not. Uncrisp, unfirm, lame, weak, flimsy, feeble, and yet still slightly salty.
It is the kind of chip that is the opposite of the wonderment that happens when you first pop open a bag and that puff of air hits your hungry face. No one can deny that first fresh chip, of course.
I am quite sure my family loves it just as much as the stale variety that must develop its palatability like cheese or fine wine. With age.'
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There is a method to aging chips properly, and her family has mastered it
But these things don’t just happen naturally. Like those cheeses and fine wines, there is a specific method to achieving the ideal stale chip.
First, one must open every new bag of chips that enters the home. It doesn’t matter if there is another perfectly good bag of the exact same type of snack food just an inch or two away in the pantry.
Once that first snack has been consumed, it’s time to start the aging process that allows for the development of the inexplicable softness of the stale chip.
One of the most crucial steps must follow: Never, ever, ever actually close the bag and secure it with anything that is even slightly airtight. Ignore the pile of clips that have been placed there so conveniently and mildly crumple the top of the bag making a partial effort.
Once this has been completed, simply push the bag to the backside of the pantry where it will be lost among all of the other bags of stale chips that are maturing in the airflow of the kitchen that somehow makes an old pretzel taste like a cheese puff.
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Time passes; it's time for a taste test
Every few days, stand there, stare blankly at the wrinkled bags, and taste one to see if it’s yet reached its perfect level of unsavoriness. Does it leave that weird feeling in your mouth that makes you need a drink of water? Not yet? Better check again tomorrow and the next day and the next day until you’re down to the broken pieces that have accumulated at the bottom of the bag.
At this point, tightly secure the bag and make sure it is quite buried by all of the other containers of stale chips and leave it for mom to find and throw out when she’s cleaning up the cabinets.
This technique sometimes works for bread, too. But that’s another moldy story.
This article originally appeared on The Daily Record: McAllister: Chip's journey from store to cupboard to teen to stale
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